|uhh...Girls, I'm stuck
||[Sep. 29th, 2006|07:08 pm]
College students with eating disorders
yea so I started out great...there was no fruit in the market basket...so I had to go the cafe...which is buffet...and I binged...BLAH so much for my 10 day fast. I just got weak all of a sudden and I saw all this food right in front of me. I feel really disgusting now....but like always....I came back and made out a new schedule for this week. I have to stick to this or else its not gonna be worth it. I always do so good during the week...then the weekend comes and I say ok I can do it and I cant...I havent ate anything since....I dont plan on it...I made a schedule where I go to the gym 3x everyday...so Im thinking I can eat close to 900 calories and burn it all off at the gym each time. Because I made my meals so that I can go to the gym an hour later and burn it right off. This way I'll have energy and I will lose at the same time. My boyfriend is on to me again. SO I have to make it look like Im eating or else hes gonna break up with me. I'm still not going to be eating enough, but I'll have enough energy to sustain my workouts and make both me and my boyfriend happy.
I dont know how you girls keep up with this. I try and I always dig myself into a huge ditch. I think I said this before a few weeks ago...the only reason why I wanna lose is to lose weight fast. It's the all american quick fix. I don't need to lose wieght the easy way. I wanna work hard and be proud of myself. I have a gym right next to my dorm building. I never go home...I should take full advantage of this and work really hard for what I want. I don't want my bones to stick out so much that I look and feel disgusting. I want to look like Brooke Burk or Carmen Electra. They are fit, thin, and muscular. I don't wanna lose bc Im not eating and then I start to eat and gain it all back. I realized that is what happened to me before. Thats why my cycle never stops. It just keeps going and I lose a few pounds here and there but I never reach my goals. It's because I dont eat, then I binge, then I dont eat again...and I over exercise...its not helping me lose at all. This morning I woke up and I was BACK AT 130! WTF...just bc of that stupid sandwhich I ate lastnight??? this is why I cant do this anymore. I cant just eat 400 or 500 calories a day. It's not working.
So here's the deal. I don't wanna fast anymore. I'm not going to eat anything for the rest of the night and I'm just going to start all over with this tomorrow. A new workout (I found Britney Spears' workout routine from when she had the best body of her life...like around 2002-2003) it was on MTV diary if you've seen it...I figure I could use her workout with mine plus swim, take yoga, kickboxing, and pilates and get back to what I want the right
I have until Spring to be in bikini body top shape..thats over 6 months from now. I know for sure I can eat, workout, and get what I want in that amount of time. I want to be able to eat with my friends even if I'm only eating a salad.
I love all you so much and I really give you credit for being able to do this. I guess I've just realized that this isnt for me anymore. Not the livejournal, I still wanna post and keep you all updated on my status because you all are like a family to me. I know that sounds weird, but I honestly feel like I have grown a relationship with each and everyone of you just by reading your entries every day. I was watching celebrity fit club lastnight, and all of these people, ordinary people lose weight and meet their targets by working at it. It's like anything else. You study for a test and you pass and the feeling after you get your passing grade is just amazing. Your proud you did what you had to do to get that grade....thats what I want. I dont want to disappoint myself or my boyfriend anymore. I don't wanna wake up and be so tired during the day that I can't even focus....that's not what I want.
What I want is to lose weight. Lose weight and get toned...the only way I can do that is not to harm my body the way I have been for the past 7 years...I don't want to die. I want to be healthy...
Please comment and I hope you all still want me part of your communities. I want you all to see how far I can go with this and really reach my goals the right way. I'm still restricting but not as much...900 calories is just enough not completely enough but enough to keep me going and to help me lose. In order to lose you have to burn more than you take in...and thats my plan...